My (Best) Friend's Wedding
Princess U is getting married. To Pasty Boy. Who I cannot stand. There's just something about this guy that makes me want to walk -- no, make that storm -- out of the room. He's too condescending, too arrogant, too I-am-a-white-man-so-bow-before-me. Princess U, of course, knows nothing of my hatred.
(My great dislike actually started when Princess U asked me drive to the business district to meet this guy for the first time. On a Sunday. Understand that I'm sorta "known" for my I-don't-go-out-on-weekends rule. What I do is cram all of my movie-watching, cafe-sitting, japanese-resto-eating activities from Monday to Friday -- just so that, during the weekend, I can watch "Friends" from sunup till sundown and, should the mood strike, work on my novel. I am famous/infamous for this schedule. So, anyway, this was the one time I break my own rule because I had yet to meet this man that Princess U was madly scribbling lovey-dovey poems about. And you know what happened? He came down with something and couldn't make dinner. Even Princess U didn't show up because her little tootsie-wootsie boyfriend was sick, and it was her job as the brown Florence Nightingale to nurse him back to health. It was a cold, for chrissake! So I drove to the city on a Sunday night and waited for two hours for abso-fucking-lutely nothing. That is why I hate him.)
Pasty Boy called me on it once -- about not liking him. Well, the perceptive asshole didn't really tell me, but he told Princess U. So Princess U asked me about it and I totally denied it. "What?" I asked, incredulous. "I love, love, love him!" So let's all cross our fingers now that she never finds this blog, because it would be the end of a semi-beautiful, 21-year-long friendship. ("Well, why even write it in a public blog then," you wonder. Well, if I can't write such truths in an anonymous -- albeit public -- blog, where else can I? Perhaps this is me living dangerously.)
Princess U is also pregnant by Pasty Boy.
Said I to Kitty: "How can I fawn over a half-Filipino, half-pasty baby?"
Princess U is worried that folks will be thinking it was a shotgun engagement. Well, let's see, you were an item for five years and no proposal. You lived with him for three of those five years -- nothing. You even quit your job and moved to another country to be with him -- nada. And one day, you get pregnant during one of those on-again periods of your on-again/off-again relationship -- and voila! -- you get engaged. So not a shotgun engagement.
Said Princess U: "But he's been planning this proposal for months!"
Oh yeah. He was planning it so carefully, he forgot to buy the ring. I mean, who plans an elaborate proposal without a frickin' ring? It wasn't like she was going to say "no". She's been doing the Marry-Me Jedi mind trick since Day One.
Said Millionairess Mattie upon learning of the engagement: "So it worked."
You're probably wondering why I even call her "best friend". I mean, it's like I don't have anything nice to say about her, like I don't even like her. Well, I do like her. And she is one of my oldest and dearest friends. I've known her forever. Grew up with her. Had slumber parties with her. Had all-night drinking/smoking binges with her. Laughed millions upon millions of times with her. Cried about as much times as well. We have, however, drifted apart over the last few years. Ever since Pasty Boy, in fact. But when we do see each other, it's like we're 21 again, smoking on the front steps of the university, giggling over some really hot swimmer passing by. I do love Princess U. I love her like a sister. And like a sister, I can't stand her sometimes, too. I mean, she can be a bit self-centered (Did I tell you that she didn't -- not once -- call me during the entire cancer thing?), but she can also be the sweetest person ever. I guess I just wish she was more "real" sometimes. I wish she would just forget about how stuff would look to other people, and ignore all the crap people are bound to say. I wish she would just come out with the truth. No matter how un-fairy-tale-like it is.
You know?
Oh, fuck it! Truth is, I'm just the worst best friend, like, ever. In the entire history of friendship. I am the Linda Tripp of friendships. Well, besides Linda Tripp, I mean.
(My great dislike actually started when Princess U asked me drive to the business district to meet this guy for the first time. On a Sunday. Understand that I'm sorta "known" for my I-don't-go-out-on-weekends rule. What I do is cram all of my movie-watching, cafe-sitting, japanese-resto-eating activities from Monday to Friday -- just so that, during the weekend, I can watch "Friends" from sunup till sundown and, should the mood strike, work on my novel. I am famous/infamous for this schedule. So, anyway, this was the one time I break my own rule because I had yet to meet this man that Princess U was madly scribbling lovey-dovey poems about. And you know what happened? He came down with something and couldn't make dinner. Even Princess U didn't show up because her little tootsie-wootsie boyfriend was sick, and it was her job as the brown Florence Nightingale to nurse him back to health. It was a cold, for chrissake! So I drove to the city on a Sunday night and waited for two hours for abso-fucking-lutely nothing. That is why I hate him.)
Pasty Boy called me on it once -- about not liking him. Well, the perceptive asshole didn't really tell me, but he told Princess U. So Princess U asked me about it and I totally denied it. "What?" I asked, incredulous. "I love, love, love him!" So let's all cross our fingers now that she never finds this blog, because it would be the end of a semi-beautiful, 21-year-long friendship. ("Well, why even write it in a public blog then," you wonder. Well, if I can't write such truths in an anonymous -- albeit public -- blog, where else can I? Perhaps this is me living dangerously.)
Princess U is also pregnant by Pasty Boy.
Said I to Kitty: "How can I fawn over a half-Filipino, half-pasty baby?"
Princess U is worried that folks will be thinking it was a shotgun engagement. Well, let's see, you were an item for five years and no proposal. You lived with him for three of those five years -- nothing. You even quit your job and moved to another country to be with him -- nada. And one day, you get pregnant during one of those on-again periods of your on-again/off-again relationship -- and voila! -- you get engaged. So not a shotgun engagement.
Said Princess U: "But he's been planning this proposal for months!"
Oh yeah. He was planning it so carefully, he forgot to buy the ring. I mean, who plans an elaborate proposal without a frickin' ring? It wasn't like she was going to say "no". She's been doing the Marry-Me Jedi mind trick since Day One.
Said Millionairess Mattie upon learning of the engagement: "So it worked."
You're probably wondering why I even call her "best friend". I mean, it's like I don't have anything nice to say about her, like I don't even like her. Well, I do like her. And she is one of my oldest and dearest friends. I've known her forever. Grew up with her. Had slumber parties with her. Had all-night drinking/smoking binges with her. Laughed millions upon millions of times with her. Cried about as much times as well. We have, however, drifted apart over the last few years. Ever since Pasty Boy, in fact. But when we do see each other, it's like we're 21 again, smoking on the front steps of the university, giggling over some really hot swimmer passing by. I do love Princess U. I love her like a sister. And like a sister, I can't stand her sometimes, too. I mean, she can be a bit self-centered (Did I tell you that she didn't -- not once -- call me during the entire cancer thing?), but she can also be the sweetest person ever. I guess I just wish she was more "real" sometimes. I wish she would just forget about how stuff would look to other people, and ignore all the crap people are bound to say. I wish she would just come out with the truth. No matter how un-fairy-tale-like it is.
You know?
* * *
Oh, fuck it! Truth is, I'm just the worst best friend, like, ever. In the entire history of friendship. I am the Linda Tripp of friendships. Well, besides Linda Tripp, I mean.
Ophelia came up for air at 7:11 PM
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