antiseptic hell vol. 2
(transcribed from back of pizza delivery flyer)
day 2 did not start out well. for one, it started too early. around 5:00 in the morning, in fact. a nurse had shaken me awake - albeit gently - and instructed me to eat breakfast and shower. fine. but no soggy toast and extra-thin slices of cheese for me. i immediately dive for last night's pizza. i should've downed two slices. but i didn't know it'd be my last meal for the next 12 hours.
6:30 am
a nurse comes in and hooks me up to an IV. excuse me? para que? "you might become hypo-glycemic," explained nurse ratched. really? so why not just let me eat?!? (i know, i know. it's standard procedure. something about how, in a few hours, i will be knocked out cold via general anesthesia. but still. all this mean very, very little to a 29-year-old woman who had, overnight, turned into a 29-year-old brat!)
will now have to limit journal-writing to a minimum as needle was, inconveniently, plunged into writing hand.
11:00 am
am wheeled down to ultrasound. had the foresight to wear cute striped jammies and a button down top on top of my hospital gown. on my way to the basement, i pass two other (male!) patients who didn't think that far ahead. they were both concentrating so hard on keeping their knees together i thought they'd pop a vein or something. one of said patients was kind of cute. was tempted to do a bit of peeking but nixed the idea. after all, might die on the operating table. wouldn't want to add another sin to my already extra-long list of trangressions.
12:00 nn
am back in my room. i drag the IV stand to the bathroom and check myself out. good god! i looked like a pirate's treasure map gone wrong! "x" marks the spot indeed!
1:00 pm
they're coming to get me! help!
6:00 pm
back in my room. it's done. am officially - as far as medical science can tell - lump-free. still kind of out of it. everything's soft around the edges. my breasts have been taped up like you wouldn't believe. and at interesting angles, too. i feel like nefertiti. or, at the very least, a half-finished mummy.
what i actually remember from ordeal (after having received a good dose of local anesthetic):
1. singing "let it snow" on the operating table.
2. this conversation with my anesthesiologist:
me: after this, i'm going to go buy boots.
him: what are you going to do with those boots?
me: buy more boots.
3. being harassed by one of those green-frocked men in this manner:
him: i hear you work for my favorite radio station.
me: yes. (at this point, i was already having a hard time remembering my name. what more my place of work?)
him: yeah? i think i have all your cds, you know.
me: oh yeah? that's great.
him: hmmm. come to think of it, i might've missed one or two. what are your cds again?
me: er...
4. my doctor whispering to another doctor - "this one looks suspicious". or was that one a dream? i'd rather not think about it.
7:00 pm
yay! cousin just sent me an sms! visitors! hmmm. where is my lip gloss?!?
8:15 pm
it's cousin, batch, kath and jenny. and they brought me oranges and brownies. am famished! (mom actually devoured last slices of pizza.) i am still slightly sedated and all fuzzy, but i love having company! company bearing goodies!
10:00 pm
company's gone. it's just me and mommy again. it's funny how you turn into a two-year-old when you (a) are sick (b) are hooked up to a stupid IV and/or (c) have breasts facing opposite directions. this time, she doesn't ask me to scoot over - again, due to the stupid IV. instead, we both settle in for yet another uncomfy night - me on this icky hospital bed and her on the icky chaise. she doesn't say it, but i know what she's thinking. i'm thinking it, too. we wanna go home.
day 2 did not start out well. for one, it started too early. around 5:00 in the morning, in fact. a nurse had shaken me awake - albeit gently - and instructed me to eat breakfast and shower. fine. but no soggy toast and extra-thin slices of cheese for me. i immediately dive for last night's pizza. i should've downed two slices. but i didn't know it'd be my last meal for the next 12 hours.
6:30 am
a nurse comes in and hooks me up to an IV. excuse me? para que? "you might become hypo-glycemic," explained nurse ratched. really? so why not just let me eat?!? (i know, i know. it's standard procedure. something about how, in a few hours, i will be knocked out cold via general anesthesia. but still. all this mean very, very little to a 29-year-old woman who had, overnight, turned into a 29-year-old brat!)
will now have to limit journal-writing to a minimum as needle was, inconveniently, plunged into writing hand.
11:00 am
am wheeled down to ultrasound. had the foresight to wear cute striped jammies and a button down top on top of my hospital gown. on my way to the basement, i pass two other (male!) patients who didn't think that far ahead. they were both concentrating so hard on keeping their knees together i thought they'd pop a vein or something. one of said patients was kind of cute. was tempted to do a bit of peeking but nixed the idea. after all, might die on the operating table. wouldn't want to add another sin to my already extra-long list of trangressions.
12:00 nn
am back in my room. i drag the IV stand to the bathroom and check myself out. good god! i looked like a pirate's treasure map gone wrong! "x" marks the spot indeed!
1:00 pm
they're coming to get me! help!
6:00 pm
back in my room. it's done. am officially - as far as medical science can tell - lump-free. still kind of out of it. everything's soft around the edges. my breasts have been taped up like you wouldn't believe. and at interesting angles, too. i feel like nefertiti. or, at the very least, a half-finished mummy.
what i actually remember from ordeal (after having received a good dose of local anesthetic):
1. singing "let it snow" on the operating table.
2. this conversation with my anesthesiologist:
me: after this, i'm going to go buy boots.
him: what are you going to do with those boots?
me: buy more boots.
3. being harassed by one of those green-frocked men in this manner:
him: i hear you work for my favorite radio station.
me: yes. (at this point, i was already having a hard time remembering my name. what more my place of work?)
him: yeah? i think i have all your cds, you know.
me: oh yeah? that's great.
him: hmmm. come to think of it, i might've missed one or two. what are your cds again?
me: er...
4. my doctor whispering to another doctor - "this one looks suspicious". or was that one a dream? i'd rather not think about it.
7:00 pm
yay! cousin just sent me an sms! visitors! hmmm. where is my lip gloss?!?
8:15 pm
it's cousin, batch, kath and jenny. and they brought me oranges and brownies. am famished! (mom actually devoured last slices of pizza.) i am still slightly sedated and all fuzzy, but i love having company! company bearing goodies!
10:00 pm
company's gone. it's just me and mommy again. it's funny how you turn into a two-year-old when you (a) are sick (b) are hooked up to a stupid IV and/or (c) have breasts facing opposite directions. this time, she doesn't ask me to scoot over - again, due to the stupid IV. instead, we both settle in for yet another uncomfy night - me on this icky hospital bed and her on the icky chaise. she doesn't say it, but i know what she's thinking. i'm thinking it, too. we wanna go home.
Ophelia came up for air at 10:12 PM
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